Talaarawan

• I like this song. It's the male version of the theme song in House. (I MISS HOUSE!)
  

Newton Faulkner- Teardop

• I seriously need to reward myself if I finish my thesis script at 1:30 am later.
• Ma dropped by all the way from home (and she drove the car at night, would you believe) to bring my new skirt and pair of lucky pointed black shoes. I will wear these, together with my blue Team Manila shirt (with the statement Sipag at Tiyaga) and a black blazer from People are People, for the defense tomorrow. Everything looks perfect, except my shirt already looks old. *sniff sniff*
• Why do salads cost so much? I'm craving for the grilled chicken one in SOM Mall (at school). Will surely buy tomorrow.
• Every single night, I wish upon the stars that God will nudge me to jog early the next day. Obviously, God wants me to mind my own business (and think that that's not part of His job).
  

And I can't explain why or how that much, or else I'll be whacking my brain again to find the right words to match this heavy feeling I'm feeling (yes, I don't care if I'm repeating my words. I just don't want to care anymore.)

And I can't afford to explain some more, lest I'll feel guilty because I'm supposed to be working on my make-up History paper which is due in an hour.

I just need to let this out. I don't want to graduate yet; I want to stay in school forever. But God, why do deadlines kill? I need to REST. Not just sleep.

My reply to one of my friends's blog entry:

"I hope you're all right. I know I have never been in a relationship for almost a year now, but being single for quite a long time made me realize a lot of things. My Theology professor always told us that love is a self-enlarging experience. It should bring out the best in both of you, not the other way around. Don't rely on feelings, because love is never a feeling. If it is, then we could never love for too long--our feelings sway from one to another; humans tend to become fickle. Love, then, is a CHOICE, an effort to build and make the relationship work. Sabi nga sa isang libro na nabasa ko, "Love is a marathon of the heart". In short, kailangan paghirapan, pagtrabahuan. Hindi madali magmahal, kaya it requires that the person who gets into it is WHOLE, may deep love for self. When you love someone, it couldn't be helped that you sacrifice a lot for that person. But if you already have a strong sense of self in you, kahit ilang sakripisyo pa ang gawin mo, para sa'yo walang nababawas sa sarili mo kasi beforehand, BUO ka na. People who sacrifice for the other just so they could get back at them someday are not "sacrificing". They are "self-sacrificing"

... Make it work, with yourself, and with him. Don't just be overwhelmed by the feelings. Constantly symbolize the love that is already there. And as much as chemistry is important to initiate a connection between two people, also keep in mind that fundamental similarities in both your personality or values ensure you a stronger and better relationship. ;)"

I wish I could've told this to myself before.

Last Maundy Thursday, my family and I weren't able to do our usual Visita Iglesia because we still had to prepare our stuff for our trip to Zambales the next day. We just went to the Marcelo church at night to do the way of the cross. Having realized that we never ate any meat during the day, we decided to treat ourselves to any open coffee shop nearby. But then my mom has never been really a fan of Starbucks or the like because she finds the coffee prices there absurd. So at 9pm, we headed to Brooklyn Pizza in BF Homes instead, and at around P500, we already had one humungous pizza in front of us! Their White Pizza is the best, I swear. We did our best trying to avoid meat for the first 21 hours, but it did not surprise us that we still had to resort eating a packload of wheat with bacon, pepperoni, and grease on top of it to end the day.

Cooking gives me the high, and I am glad summer months give me the chance to be all squiffy at it. That's spaghetti with tuna, which my siblings did not know of until their plates are all empty.

I will post about our Zambales trip in awhile when Tita Ni sends me the pictures. :)

My mom reiterates to me the importance of being able to stop the vicious cycle of work. How? Leave the cycle behind, then come back, and you gain your momentum. Puerto Galera is definitely a great breather from all the stress the recent school year has brought me. This is a good start for a less stressful yet fulfilling summer ahead. More pics here.

By tonight, I should have read 16 hand-outs for my History Long Test on Thursday.
I have only finished 3.

By tomorrow, I should have an outline for our History group reporting/paper which is due next week.
I still have none.

History, why are you so hard on me?

And oh, I still have my Theo paper, test, and orals, Ad paper, Philo paper and orals, and IMC report.

Gawd.

But after all these,
I'm going to Galera,
Boracay,
Quezon,
and Marinduque.
By then, I'm sure junior year would be all worth it.

It’s amazing how hanging out with a bunch of High School kids made me realize a lot of things.

My sister’s friends were here awhile ago to celebrate her fifteenth birthday. It was my first time to meet them, and right when they entered through our door, I immediately noticed how timid they were as they walked and waved back at me (I greeted them first so they wouldn’t think I’m a snob). I laughed at myself as I remembered that I used to be like that too. When I was in High School, it seemed to me that these college people have some kind of godly aura, which somehow made me adore them. Well, they have already passed the crazy world of puberty stage, have been more or less allowed to date, and have probably already drawn a vivid picture in their minds on what they’re going to do for the next five years or so. Now that I’m in college, I realized that we’re still as clueless as they (now the High School students) are. We may have more pride because our experiences outnumber theirs, but other than that, we still have nothing. We’re still unsure of what we want. Much worse, some of us still do not even know what we need. We may already be geared towards getting a job, but just like them, we still do not know which next step is best to take. Yes, most of us might already be allowed to date, and that would mean a lot during High School, but right now, even if our Theology professor convinces us to already look for marriage partner “potentials”, it has already become (at least for me) the least (see how the least naturally comes twice) of our concerns.

Then one of my sister’s friends, Jam, asked me for an impromptu interview for their Filipino (I’m just guessing) class. I had to answer just one question: Bakit pasaway ang mga Pilipino? I told her to stand by for a little while as I was trying to fish for an untried answer in my already sapped brain. As expected, I ended up giving her a trite response which revolved around the government and the Filipino mentality which tells us that we can get away with everything because the rules can be bent anyway. I was not satisfied with my answer and yet surprisingly, it seemed she was. Then I wondered… how many of my teachers could have felt that way?

After that, High School memories came flashing back when I saw them, obsessed with fixing their hair, in front of the mirror. I think that’s a classic Bedan signature (except for me because I am obsessed with another hair habit haha) because I have never seen anyone whose hair is laid as smoothly as some of my girl classmates’s before. In college, no one even bothers to fix their hair as long as how it took my High School classmates to fix theirs. Come on, how could we even bother to fix our hair now if we couldn’t even bother to get a boyfriend because we’re too busy trying to please our teachers, who may not actually even be sure of themselves either? Haha, funny thought, isn’t it? I hope obsessing over grades would make me someday shake my head too.

Looking at my sister's friends, I realized that I’m still a child searching for answers just like them. Twenty years from now, I will still be as clueless and as afraid, but probably over different matters already, like my kids’s tuition fee, house loan, and the like (but of course, I hope not haha). It has been a popular advice to remain childlike, but won’t we always remain childlike, filled with fear and uncertainty? The only difference is they don’t strike out hope, and we adults (in my case still a semi one) shouldn’t too, for the vague future ahead of us could actually still bring us good bearings too, wherein simple realizations like these could be counted as one.

I realize I'm the type of person who finds it more difficult dealing with beginnings than with endings. Endings discharge me of the pressing weight of an experience; beginnings leave me with uncertainty. Endings gives me the opportunity to assess the situation so by the time I begin again, I know that I know better.

But proving that I know better demands a lot of willpower and tenacity, that's why beginnings startle me. It usually frightens me that I may not actually end up doing better than before.

Maybe this could explain why I cram my work most of the time. Mediocre History test results should have taught me a lesson, but here I go again, anticipating another let-down. I was eager to pull it through weeks before the test, but as usual, pressure overtook me and before I knew it, I was cramming again.

It's a daft equation. I am pressured of not ending up better (and the thought of not doing so paralyzes me) but I still end up just the same, and since life always gives second chances, I keep on doing the same thing. I learn, but I persist on doing nothing. When will I learn from doing nothing? I have forgotten that beginnings normally should spark even just a lil a bit of hope.